"Yes Mr. Coulton," Receptionist A confirmed as he joined me in staring at a dozen odd people going about their business, completely heedless of the fact that they're being watched by someone.
"It's pretty neat, I guess." I consented without taking eyes off the screen. Somehow watching the gardener waters the hedges seemed much more interesting when it's done through Close Circuit camera. "What else can these things do?"
"Well, it does the whole 90 degree sweep thing but other than that I'm not too sure,"
"Cool,"
"..."
"..."
"Man, they're pretty busy today."
"Yeah, and it's not even mid-day yet"
"..."
"..."
"...say, what do you reckon the chief's cooking?" I asked off-handedly. The screen was split into 12 equal segments and I couldn't make out what he was doing that involve fish sauce, soy sauce, and sour cream, and white wine. Sounds to me like an exotic fusion dish - or a very expensive diarrhea.
"I'm not too sure myself sir, maybe if we could zoom in..."
"Does this thing even zoom in?"
"I don't know - hey Sarah; do you know how to zoom in with the camera?" Receptionist A asked Receptionist who was actually dealing with a guest at the moment. I was about to tell her not to worry about it and focus on the customer but she was already half way to the computer. She fidgets with the controls for a bit before giving up.
"I don't think it does, Jake" Receptionist B said matter-of-factly.
"I'm think you're just saying that cause you don't know how to do it," He ushered her aside and started playing around with the control himself. He fetched about the same result which was basically nothing.
While the two of them were busying arguing with each other I was dealing with the guest Receptionist B so rudely left in a lurch.
"Sorry about that sir. Now, how can I help?" I apologize, hoping he hadn't taken offense. Turns out I had little to worry about.
"You know, if you put just that one section on the entire screen the you can probably make out what he's cooking without having to zoom in or whatever," The Random Guest casually advised, staring at the screen himself.
"..."
"That's brilliant!" Receptionist A said enthusiastically as he scrambles to try the other man's idea.
It wasn't a completely success however. The video was now badly pixilated and try as we might, we still couldn't make out what he was doing.
“…”
“How about we turn up the contrast and bump up the brightness a bit?”
And so we tried that. Helped a bit – but not enough to make a different.
”…”
“…”
”…”
"It could be some kind of spicy dressing for a salad" Receptionist B guessed.
"Nah, then he wouldn't be using that much soy," Receptionist A said.
"But see he's adding lemon juice to that as well? It could be a dipping sauce of some kind" I offered my two cents worth.
"True - or some kind of spicy marinate" Random Guest said.
"Him..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"It's a marinate for the grilled squid salad" Lenette, my secretary said.
"How do you know for sure?" I demanded, slightly annoyed at her confident tone.
"Because while you guys were fumbling around trying to get the camera to work, I just went downstairs and asked the Su Chief."
"..."
I frowned. She smirked.
"That was totally unprofessional of you, leaving your station for something so trivial like that. Don't let it happen again."
Hypocrite? Who? Me? Why, whatever makes you say that?
And so my last official day at the office has come.
Hm...
I really got nothing to say. It's been a blast writing this and apparently a lot more people read this than I thought. I just want to thank a few people for making this year another memorable year at work.
Pete the Security Guard - I want to thank you for soluting me like I'm some kind of a military captain. I really do appreciate it. Though it makes me wonder if there's a random sniper out there somewhere stalking me because they think I'm some kind of soilder....
Kirsten the Receptionist - for being completely oblivious when it comes to the innuendos and dirty jokes passed between me and Henry (the only guy receptionist). And please break up with your boyfriend before I come back. I really hate the sounds of his bike.
Charlie the Waiter - thanks for another year of really good orange juices. Seriously. I ought to give you a promotion or something. Maybe next year.
Henry the Receptionist - for stabing me in the back you prick!
Pierre the Cheif - for teaching me about French food even if you're not *really* a French chief,... really, it's okay... look, I won't tell anyone.... Jesus Christ! You're Thai!!! .......You're not French!!! Stop being so delusional!!!!!
Oh, and finally, last but not least....
Lenette the Secretary - for being an eye candy, as usual.
OI oi oi oi oi - stop pinching my ear!!!! You're going to rip it off!!!! I'm sorry! There - I said it already, let go!!!
Ahem
Lenette Forestor - for being the nicest secretary anyone could ask for. And for cheering me up during my emo moments. And for not suing me for sexual harassment, again. And for the plushie you gave me for my birthday. And for being an eye candy. And for--
Oi oi oi oi - would you cut that shit out? My ear are vital to my listening skill and success at university!!!
Anyway, there, I've said it. Now can I go finish my shift in peace? I'd like some time to actually pack my bag, if you don't mind...
Oh and quit it with all the balloons already. I'm grateful - but after the 5th one I'm getting sick of it.
p.s. (See you next year... or rather, end of November )
It’s almost
Ah… nightshift.
Love them, hate them – sooner or later you got to do one. Everyone does. I mean, they’re some with all the excuses; I can’t work late! I have not way of getting home! I need to do blah-blah… but in the end they ended up doing one anyway.
Anyway – it’s my birthday today.
Duh, I’m sure if you have subscribed to my blog you would’ve gotten that pesky little alert asking you to do something nice for me. Ha ha. (And if you haven’t, you really should)
But I digress. My birthday – therefore, I want to do most of my shift during the ungodly hours so that I get SOME time off. You know, to have a drink or two… and maybe sleep with 19 girls to celebrate my birthday – you know, the usual.
So here I am, the leader of our skeleton crew of three, running the whole hotel from the operation center – aka, the reception with walkie-talkie and caffeinated candies to keep us going.
Oh, and satellite TV with HBO. Hallelujah. Praise the Lord for 24/7 movie channel.
Hm… Alien 2… not a bad movie…
Receptionist C: Hey David – what time is it?
David: Almost 3 – why?
Receptionist C: Nothing, just making conversation.
David: But that’s kind of silly; that question has no lead, you ask, I answer, the conversation ends. You need something like; hey, how have you been? I haven’t talked to you in a while… you know – something open-ended.
Receptionist C: That makes sense.
David:..
Receptionist C: Hey David.
David: …yes, Kirsten?
Kirsten: How have you been?
David: …
Kirsten: …
David: Oh hey, look! That guy just locked himself in a room with an alien!
It was a pretty cool scene too. The guy who was selfish ass locked everyone out so he can get to safety only to turn around and find an alien growling predatorily and spitting saliva into his face. Suck to be you. Oh and then the scene changes
Kirsten: Do you think he’s going to be okay.
David: Did we ever learn this last name?
Kirsten: Don’t think so.
David: Then no. He’s obviously a minor character slash expendable alien-chow.
Kirsten: …
David: …
Kirsten: Hey David – did you hear about A.J.’s part time work at—
David: Yep.
Kirsten: Okay…
Hey – it’s that bit where the kid got caught in the funny wheel cog thing and Weaver has to drop down and save his ass. I remember this bit.
Kirsten: Hey David – have you heard about Cindy’s new—
David: Boyfriend?
Kirsten: Yes – so you did h—
David: Nope, but it wasn’t that hard to guess.
Kirsten: Oh… still, do you want to—
David: No.
Kirsten: Okay…
You know, Sigourney Weaver wasn’t a bad actor. I mean, she totally sucked in the third film, but I’m thinking it’s because of the script more so than—
Kirsten: Hey David remember that Russian couple that’s on honeymoon?
David: No,
Kirsten Well—
David: I do not want to hear about it; the TV’s on.
Kirsten: Okay…
David: …
Kirsten: Say David – could you—
David: No, I will not turn the TV off.
Kirsten: …I’m telling Lenette.
David: Oh, I am so scared.
Kirsten: You should be!
David: …I was being sarcastic.
Kirsten: That's not fair! …I’m totally going to tell Lenette you picked on me.
David: I can’t believe I’m the 19yr old and you’re the adult.
Kirsten: Thank you.
David: …for?
Kirsten: For saying I look young.
But… I… that’s not… gah! I give up.
Oh hey, Weaver’s fighting the alien queen thing!!! Cool!
Security Guard A: Hey guys - I'm doing patrol; what are you watching?
Receptionist C(That's right, I've demoted her): Aliens - but Freaky Friday is on another channel and David won't change.
Security Guard A: Freaky Friday? Oh man - I loved that movie. Can we change, please?
David: ...but it's almost at the end of the movie!!!
Security Guard A: Yeah, but the ending bit is scary though...
David: ...wait, aren't you a security guard? Should you be more... I donno...
Security Guard A: Yeah - but I'm not hired to fight aliens am I.
David: Well no... but it's the principle of the thing...
Receptionist C: Yay!!!
Crap! She stole the remote!!!
Receptionist A: Did you hear the rumor about David?
Receptionist B: About this morning – yeah. It’s all over the hotel.
Receptionist C: Wait, wait – a new rumor about David?
Receptionist A: You haven’t heard? A.J. found him crying in the toilet!
Receptionist C: David crying? No freaking way? He can cry? He has emotion? He’s human?!
Bellman A: *walks in pulling the luggage cart behind him* Hey guys – get this: apparently Mr. Coulton was crying in the toilet this morning! I heard it from Louise.
Receptionist A: We already heard about it, Mr. Breaking-News.
Bellman A: Yeah – but do you know WHY he was crying?
Receptionist B: I’m guessing you do?
Bellman A: Well, it’s just a theory but me and Patrick, we reckon it’s girl’s trouble from Austria.
Receptionist A: You mean Australia, right? Cause that the place he was studying in. Hm… you could be right.
Waitress A: Hey guys! Have you heard about—
Receptionist B: Yes, we all heard about David.
Waitress A: Oh… well, me and Mattie was going to go tell Lenette and asks her what she thinks. Her shift’s going to start in a few mins – wanna come with?
Receptionist A: Skiving off work, risking the wrath of David – sure, I’m in.
Lenette: *Getting off her car and looks at the trio in front of her* Okay… who’s was David being a mean, racist, sexist condescending prat or just a prat in general to this time?
Receptionist A: No one – but we have news. A.J. found David crying in the toilet this morning. He’s in the office catching up on paper work but I think he’s just using it as an excuse to not see anyone. He even had the curtains drawn up!
Lenette: Okay… why are you telling me this?
Receptionist A: We know what’s happening now we want to know the ‘why’ part. Did he have a girlfriend or something while in Australia that dumped him? Did he fail his papers? What happened?
Lenette: First off – I don’t know. And even if I did I wouldn’t be telling you gossip mongers about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go check up on David.
…
Lenette: *walks in the office* David! David!
David: *sitting on his desk cradling his head in his hands*
Lenette: David… what’s wrong? It’s alright, come on, you can tell me?
David: *looks up with teary eyes* …
Lenette: David?
David: I…I… have a cold.
Lenette: ….huh?
David: Or maybe a flu.
But whatever, shit happens right? So I took some interferon, mucosolvan and a tablet of panadol (that’s anti-viral meds, cough and decongestant meds and fever meds for those who aren’t medically incline) and came to work like normal, expecting to be right as rain when all those happy pills kick in after about half an hour.
I was wrong.
Apparently the universe hates me because while I was blowing my nose in the toilet that punk-ass waiter walked in. And before I know it there’s rumor going around about me crying in the toilet.
Lenette: …but why didn’t you just tell them?
David: I really didn’t have the effort to… and to be honest, it’s kind of nice. People are tip-toeing around me like I might explode any second. I’ve been here almost an hour and nobody had bothered me yet.
Lenette: ...you are, without a doubt, the most incorrigible person I’ve ever met.
David: Whatever… you’re not going to tell them are you?
Lenette: Why should I? They deserve it for being all gossipy and such.
David: Hypocrite.
Lenette: And proud of it. Well, at least now I don’t have to wait till next week to get the papers back.
David: What papers?
Lenette: These ones.
And with that, my dear loveable secretary dumps about 10 months worth of paperwork onto my desk, turns on her heel and left.
David: Could get me a glass of orange juice? I ready need the vitamin C! Honest!!!
…
David: You’re not even there are you?
…
David: Come on – don’t sulk. I didn’t mean to make you worry!
…
Oh shucks… now she’s mad at me.
David: I’ll be right back – I just got to do this thing in the office.
Receptionist A, B & C: Okay!
David: …
Okay…. That was slightly strange. Why would they sound so enthusiastic? They couldn’t possibly hate me that much could they? I mean, this is *me* we’re talking about.
Fine. Whatever. But wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
David: Hey Lenette – I need you to… Lenette? Lenette?
Strange – I could’ve sworn I saw her in here a minute ago…
David: *pops his head back outside* Hey – has anyone seen Lenette?
Receptionist C: No sir.
David: Whatever – I’ll give her a call then… hey wait a second – where’s everyone?
Receptionist C: Everyone sir?
David: Yeah… everyone. Why is this place deserted? Where’s what’s-his-face and what’s-her-name gone? *points at the spot where Receptionist A and B usually occupies*
Receptionist C: Ahm… Sarah’s gone to ladies’ room and I think Henry went to answer a phone call.
David: …really now?
Receptionist C: Yes, sir.
David: *point* What about the bellman?
Receptionist C: I think he’s gone to feed the cat.
David: The valet?
Receptionist C: To answer his phone sir?
David: The security guard?
Receptionist C:… to ahm… I’ve got nothing.
David: Didn’t think so – now, what, pray tell, is going on?
Receptionist C: …well, sir, it’s kind of hard to explain… it sort of started last week when Joey – you remember Joey right, sir? The short hair part timer who—
David: Get to the point.
Receptionist C: …I think it’s best if I just show you.
…Okay – what the heck is going on? This is very unnerving.
Receptionist C: This way sir.
She led me down the foyer and out the back door into one of the streets behind the hotel. And there they were – about half of my eighty something work-force, all lined up nicely in from of a suspicious looking white van.
David: What the blazes is going on?!
Ze Crowd: …
David: Move aside! Move. Aside.
I shove my way through the crowd and found myself standing in front of a nice old man with a white hat selling…
…ice creams?
What. On. Earth.
David…
Lenette: We wanted to tell you. But we knew you wouldn’t understand.
David: …what the hell is wrong you with you lots? What are you – a bunch of nine years olds? Geesh.
Lenette: Here we go. *rolls her eyes*
David: Get back to work! All of you!!!
Random Guy: But—
David: Back to work. NOW!
Receptionist A: Can’t I at least get my Cornetto? I’m at the front of the line.
David: Let me think about that one for a second— NO! Now go! Jesus H Christ... I can’t believe this…
Crowd: *disperse*
...
David: *turn to the ice cream seller* I’m sorry about that sir – but could you come back around… say… 2pm? It’s at the end of the morning shift and the start of the afternoon – I’ll make sure they know.
Ice Cream Man: It’s alright sonny.
David: Say… you wouldn’t happen to have a rocky road, would you?
You know, I have harped on and on again about how incompetent my receptionists are but the truth of the matter is they aren’t actually that bad. Some might say they’re pretty talented.
Guest A: Je voudrais une salle pour la nuit deux svp.
Receptionist B: Ahm… ah…
Receptionist A: Veuillez attendre un moment.
Receptionist B: Thanks. My French’s wayyy rusty.
Receptionist A: No problem.
David: Ah – teamwork, such wonderful thing.
Guest B: Sto avendo problema con la cassaforte nella mia stanza. Potete aiutarli?
Receptionist C: Naturalmente. Trasmetterò qualcuno in su ora.
Of course, there are talented and then there are *talented*.
Guest C: Necesito utilizar el lavabo. ¿Dónde está?
Receptionist A: …*turn to Receptionist B* Hey, could you give me a hand?
Receptionist B: I don’t speak Portuguese…or Spanish… or whatever she’s speaking…
Receptionist A: *Turn to Receptionist C* You?
Receptionist C: *shook her head*
Receptionist A: Excuse me miss but I’m afraid I don’t understand. You’re going to have to speak English.
Guest C: El lavabo. ¿Dónde está el lavabo? *looking desperate*
Receptionist A: …David, sir!
David: I’m working on it. What did she say she’s looking for?
Receptionist A: I can’t understand a word.
David: The bit after ‘donde esta’.
Receptionist A: El lavabo.
Guest C: El lavabo! *looking excited*
David: Lavabo… lavabo… lavabo means washbasin… she’s looking for the toilet! Ask her if she’s looking for the toilet!
Receptionist A: Are you looking for the toilet miss?
Guest C: …?
Receptionist A: Restroom – are you looking for a restroom?
Guest C:???
David: You’re useless. Move. Okay, miss. Do you need to do *this*
Abject humiliation aside, I squatted and fix a look of intense concentration of the face. In hind sight, it was more of a ‘Are you constipated’ look rather than ‘do you need to go to toilet’ look.
Alas, I got my point across.
Guest C: ¡Sí!
David: Okay, okay - follow me.
I showed her where the toilet is and after madly shaking my hand for a second, she disappeared…
…only to re-appear again, looking even more agitated.
Guest C: ¿Hay otro lavabo? Se está utilizando.
David: Slow down – I don’t understand.
Guest C: …
She gave me this agonized look before taking my hand and dragging me into the toilet - the women toilet!
David: I really must protest… or at the very least warn you; last time a girl drags me into with her into the toilet I ended up having sex with her. And I’m not talking about a ten minutes quickie either – it was a full blown, hot passionate horizontal lambada with the whole sha-bangs on the side. Now, you’re a beautiful girl but we’ve only just met – I think it’s too soon to be—
Now that’s hardly fair… I was on a roll!
Anyway, I finally saw what her problem was. The cubicles were all currently being used.
David: Come on – we can use the one by the restaurant.
With that we made a dash for the restaurant. Well, I did anyway – she kind of hobbles after me like a three legged rhinoceros. I guess she *really* needs to go.
David: There you go.
Guest C: Gracias!
And she disappeared…
…only to reappear again a second later. Now she looked even more agitated.
David: …oh you’ve got to be kidding me. Can’t you just wait like a normal person?
I think she understood that on some level – because the look she directed at me could level a small building.
David: …I can’t believe I’m doing this… fine, this way then.
We ran back to the reception. By now the other member on my fellowship of toilet seekers was sweating profusely.
David: I need an empty room on the first floor ASAP!
Receptionist A: 1002 is free but it hasn’t been cleaned yet. The housekeeper is on her way up.
David: I don’t care – just chuck me the key.
We ran for it. When we got there Guest C clambered into toilet and left me sitting on the bed twiddling my thumbs. After a minute of listening to her yell our strangely sexual sounding groans and moans she was finally done.
David: …you’re done?
I was not blushing. It was a hot day and the air conditioner wasn’t on.
Guest C: *blushes and nods*
And then the door opens with a slight creek.
Housekeeper: …
David: …
Guest C: …
Housekeeper: I didn’t know it was you, sir. Sorry for disturbing.
Don’t say it! Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
David: This isn’t what it looks like!
Guest C: …
Housekeeper: Of course not sir. However, I’d advice you to put the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door in the future. *leaves*
David: …what did I ever do to you God?
Lenette: Hang on a minute!
David: What?
Lenette: This was today right? Why didn’t you come get me – I was in the office.
David: …don’t tell me…
Lenette: I know Spanish – it’s one of the five languages I speak; you knew that.
David:
Damn I’m hungry. I hate it when something happens at the end of a shift and you have to stay on over-time. Oh well, whatever. At least now I get a break…. Hey, wait, where the heck’s my car? This isn’t the first time either – the day before yesterday while I was going to see Transporter 3 I couldn’t find it then as well. It’s a conspiracy!!!
David: Oi – security guard! Have you seen my car? It was parked right here four hours ago!!
Security Guard A: The red Mercedes sir? You father took it about an hour ago?
My father? But why would he – he has his own car. I better ring him up and find out what’s going on.
David: Hey Dad – where’s my car?
My Dad: I’m using it.
David: Why are you using it? What happened to your car?
My Dad: Your Mum’s using it. It’s kind of a long story and I’m driving. If you really want to know you’re going to have to ask your Mum.
David:…
That was weird. Whatever, Mum it is.
David: Hey Mum – what happened to Dad’s car?
My Mum: Oh – I’m using it.
David: Okay, what happened to *your* car?
My Mum: I sold it and bought a new one.
David: …I’m still not seeing a problem here.
My Mum: Well, your Dad was driving me to dinner about three nights ago and because he parked it to close to another car, when I opened the door I nicked it against another car. And we kinda have a fight and now we’re both avoiding that car till we make up.
David: …
My Mum: Anyway, I have to go now – talk to you later David.
Okay, is it just me or is there something weird about what just happened? I mean, it’s just a car. And they don’t even sound angry at each other. What the heck?
Lenette: It’s because, as an apology, your father is planning to buy your mother twenty-six bouquets of roses, one for every year they’ve been married. Your mother’s not mad because she already knew what’s he’s planning and have forgiven him for it. Your father’s such a romantic…
Okay – where the heck did she come from? Whatever.
David: …so why can’t I have my car back?
Lenette: Because he hasn’t done it yet you dummy. He’s going to do it tonight and take your mother’s out to dinner.
David: …that’s the most confusing thing I’ve ever heard. And I’m did Differential Calculus as a part of my curriculum. And how did you even know all this anyway?
Lenette: I just do.
David: That’s just weird.
Lenette: Whatever. Hey – if you’re still hungry, I can drive you if you want.
David: That’s great. What’s the catch?
Lenette: No catch. What? Can’t I just be nice for once?
David: That’s just it Lenette – I’m not sure you can.
[a minute later in the car]
Lenette: So what do you want to eat?
David: Whatever I guess.
Lenette: I’m glad you said that. There’s this restaurant by the new bank I’ve been dying to try. I hear they have the best foie gras.
David: ….hey, isn’t that the uber posh place that an entrée starts at 70 dollars?
Lenette: Yep.
David: But you said there’s no catch.
Lenette: I lied.
If the question was; is it possible to make a sequel to a great film and not create a massive bucket of sucks and leave movie-goer a feeling of impending doom every single time they see one? The answer would be something bizarrely obscure and hard to understand.
However, if the question was; is it possible to be complete a job interview, make an accurate judge of their characters and hire just one person from a group of five within ten minutes then the answer would be yes.
Yes.
That’s what I did.
David: *praying silently in a corner*
Lenette: What’s with you David? You’ve been acting really odd for the last half an hour. And that’s compared to your usual antics.
David: Lenette – sometime when a man’s down on his luck and the universe is making him its universal spittoon – all he can do is get down on his knees and beg the Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu and Shiva…
Lenette: Oh I get it – you’re going to try to go see Transporter 3 again today aren’t you? Good luck.
David: Luck? I don’t need ‘luck’ Lenette – I need a miracle. Why do you think I’m praying?
Lenette: Cause you’re a nut job – but I think you already knew that.
David: Whatever – I’ve got 5 minutes go and I’m out of here.
Lenette: Five minutes? Why on earth are you being so melodramatic for? Nothing could possibly come up in 5 minutes.
David: …do you really hate me that much, Lenette? Because I can’t think of another reason why you’d say something like that.
Lenette: Oh hush you – nothing going pop up.
David: …please. Stop. Saying. That.
Knock! knock!
Receptionist A: Mr. Coulton, sir, the interviewees for the Security Guard positions are here.
David: …
Lenette: …
David: SEE? SEE? You just HAD to say it didn’t you.
Lenette: That was actually kinda freaky…
David: *sigh and turn to Receptionist A* let them up.
Receptionist A: Where should I tell the rest of them to wait, Sir?
David: Wait? No – tell them to come in. All of them. And Lenette, pass me their applicants forms will you?
Lenette: Got it David. Here you go.
Interviewee 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5: *All walks in slowly*
David: Do hurry up. Unless you’re all arthritic in which case none of you are hired.
Interviewee 2: I’m not sir.
David: No, arthritic you are not – nor literate for that matter.
Interviewee 2: What do you mean?
David: The job description states no chain smokers – which your breath kindly informs me you are one. You are not hired – thank you for coming. Have a good day.
Interviewee 2: …
Interviewee 1: *sniggers*
David: Why are you laughing? You aren’t any better than him – I don’t hire alcoholics. Please leave. And take Number Five with you.
Interviewee 1: Number Five?
David: *point* Him.
Interviewee 5: Me? Why?
David: If I don’t hire chain-smoker and alcoholics, why do you think I’d hire a alcoholic, chain-smoker?
Interviewee 3 & 4: *Shuffle nervously*
David: Now - which one of you should I hire?
Interviewee 3: *raise his hand*
David: Okay – you’re hired. Number Four – please leave. Lenette, do back grounds check on Mr… McGini… McGinihan? McGinahan?
Interviewee 3: McGinaghan, sir. And thank you so much for the position.
Lenette: Hang on David – he’s black listed.
David: …really?
I took a quick peek. Back grounds checks are just formality, mostly, but once in a while you actually find yourself quite happy you order one. Like now for instance; otherwise I’d never have known that my would-be security guard is a thief and a security risk to the hotel.
David: Well, that’s too bad. I’m sorry Number Three but you’re *not* hired. Thank you for coming – please show yourself out.
Interviewee 3: Hey – you can’t do this! You said I got the job you little shit!!!
David: Please take your hand off my shirt.
Interviewee 3: Not until you—
David: I’m sorry; usually I’m not so violent. I’m in a hurry you see, and kicking you in the nut is far quicker than trying to reason with you.
Lenette: Why am I even surprise? Why?
David: I have no idea. However, if you could hold that thought for a second I need you to tell Number Four that he’s hired and his first mission as security guars is to escort Number Three from the premises… preferably before he leaves the hotel. *turn to Number Three who was doubled over in pain* Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my movie.
Heh heh heh… ha ha ha.. MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Lenette the Secretary: *Claps slowly* Excellent performance David – now if we ever need an insanity plea we’re sure you’ve got it in the bag. No one would question your mental state if they see you laugh like that.
David: *Smiles* Sorry, Lenette – even you scratching sarcasm can’t get me down today.
Lenette: And what, pray tell, is so special about today?
David: Today is the day that Transporter 3 comes out – and after a few shifts here and there, I will have a four-hour break today that’ll allow me to go see it! I already booked the ticket and everything!!! It’s going to be so rad.
Lenette: Wow… if you’re only this enthusiastic about your stocks you could’ve been a billionaire years ago…
David: Hey – wasn’t it you who always complain about how I’m such a workaholic?
Lenette: Yeah – but I only did that so you’d socialize more. God forbid, you might actually get over your ex and find a nice girl to tie you down.
David: That’s low even for you.
Lenette: Not as low as the number of times you’ve gotten laid in years.
David: …you know what? I’m going to be the better man and walk away... to finish the new-staffs evaluation… and then finish my shift… and then go see Jason Statham kicks some ass in Transporter 3!!! So you can suck on that!
Lenette: ‘Suck on that’? Excuse me Mr. Coulton – are you really asking for a sexual harassment suit?
David: Eeep.
Okay – so I didn’t exactly win that one. But gimme a break – Lenette’s *very* good at this; I should know, it’s one of the reason I hired her.
Oh would you look at the time? Only a few more minutes and I get to go see Transporter 3! Booooo yaaahh!!
Mechanic A: Hey Mr. Coulton – do you have a minute?
David: I have a few yeah – but I’m not kidding when I said a few.
Mechanic A: I think there’s something you need to look at. It’s the piping for the rain water we installed back in March while you weren’t here. You see the problem is…
[10 minutes later]
David: Finally that’s over with, now, if I hurry I can still grab a bite to eat before the movie start.
Head Chief: Excuse me Mr. Coulton – I need to talk to you for a few minute.
David: Can’t this wait an hour or so? I kinda need to somewhere.
Head Chief: It’s a rather important matter.
David: *sigh* Okay, but make this quick.
[15 minutes later]
David: Damn – that took wayyyy longer than I expected. But still, if I hurry I can buy some popcorns before going in.
Gardener A: Ahm, excuse me Boss – I need to know how you’d like the new hedge on the east side done.
David: …fine. Quickly then.
Gardener A: Wait up Boss!
[3 minutes and 17 seconds later]
David: Damn it – so fricking close. Too close actually. Now, where the hell’s my car. Screw it – I don’t care. Taxi’s going to be faster anyway… TAXI!! OI – TAXI!!!
Taxi Driver: Where to my friend?
David: The Mall – and step on it will you? I’m late for a movie.
Taxi Driver: Will do.
[4 minutes and 29 seconds later]
David: Why are there so many cars today?
Taxi Driver: It’s the wind surf competition – a lot of people from the capital come out here today.
David: Damn, why does it have to be today of all days?
And just as when I thought it couldn’t get any worse – my phone started ringing.
David: Yes – what is it?
Receptionist A: Sir – we need you here!
David: But I’m off-work! Can’t you deal with it?
Receptionist A: …
David: I’m going to call Lenette. She’ll be there in a second. *calls Lenette*
David: Listen Lenette – I need a huge favor. I need you to—
Lenette: Okay – I’ll cover for you.
David: …thanks.
That was weird… anyway, I can still do this! Onwards!!!
Taxi Driver: I know you’re in a hurry. But shouting ‘onwards’ is not going to move this traffic.
Ring! Ring!
Oh come on! This is ridiculous.
David: Mr. Coulton speaking.
Mum: Listen David – I need you to go pick up your little sister. Your Dad and I are stuck in this meeting and won’t make it at this rate. Thanks Honey.
Shit – what should I do? We have drivers but I don’t ever want to do that to my lil Sis! Dilemma, dilemma…
Taxi Driver: I say you should go pick up your sister. You can always see that movie tomorrow or something right? Family should come first.
David: …you’re absolutely right. I don’t even know what I was thinking. Hey, take me to Saint Mary All Girls School instead.
Taxi Driver: Will do.
[30-ish minutes later]
David: Hey, thanks man – here’s the fare. And thanks again for the advice.
Taxi Driver: No problem – it was easy for me. If I had dropped you off at the Mall I would’ve gotten about half what you’re paying me now. Easy maths, you know.
David: …
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holiday_weather- David Coulton
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